Original Post: March 06th 2006

If everyone has their own important role in this world, I am pretty sure mine is more important than most of yours. After all, you read me. Not the other way around. I bet if you saw me selling pears on the street you would probably even offer to shine them up for me so i could raise my prices.

Perhaps that is all speculation, but perhaps not.

I once wore a pant leg on my head for over two months. While doing this amazing task, I was never questioned about it. However, people I associated with while doing this were often finding their sexuality brought into question. At the time, this was assumed to be product of matching red ringer t-shirts, and a lack of a tilted white visor. In hindsight, I believe me and the man that later formed what is now known as the scarf revolution of 2002 were just hanging out with a homosexual.

So here is a lesson. You can always wear gloves as a coat or jeans as a sweater, but when you hang out with a homosexual, somebody might notice you.

original post: March 2nd 2006

Despite being nominated as half a nanny this weekend, I have found myself lost as to my actual purpose in life.

No, I haven’t.

At some point I believe all of our freedoms will be stripped away and we’ll all be forced to wear cool patches or armbands. I know this does not make the most sense right now, but if you give it some time and precious thought, I am sure it will come to you.

I pledged allegiance today. It felt great. I never really got so emotional over a flag, but, in that moment, I knew that the blood inside my veins, the soul residing inside my body, none of that was worth more than that tri-colored cloth hanging above me.

Original Post: February 25th 2006

Today I felt happy, then sad, then happy, then sad, then I felt this lack of motivation to do anything, to the point where I just stared at the wall for a minimum of 40 minutes.

While being pushed out the door I decided to give my day a little excitement, and amidst a snowfall of gigantic proportions, I put on my 10 year old dress shoes with absolute smooth treads.

At times, people ask me why I keep the shoes around. Why not? In the summer they work fine for doing pretty much anything I would do in a $100 pair of basketball shoes I would never use for the actual purpose of anyways. Should I start asking people why they are wearing basketball shoes while walking in mall? Of course not, I don’t go to the mall.

I once had a pair of boots that were 21 years old when retired, they would have been 22 this year. I got them from a squatter named Drew.

Me, Sarah, and Bill were on our way up to Ithaca and happened to see Drew and Kia (his traveling partner) walking down the street in Endicott. We, of course, picked them up and delivered them to Ithaca to attend our pseudo-party.

In the morning, we got the idea to fly signs and see how much money we could get for the two before they moved on to the next city (we did take them north, and they were moving south west.) Me, Bill, and Drew took one corner, and Sarah and Kia took the other. We got three bags of groceries, two pizza hut pizzas, and $120 in one hour. It was splendid.

Later that day, as we were getting ready to all head in separate directions, Drew noticed my boots were falling apart, so he offered me a spare he had in his bag. That’s all. I honestly just brought you through the story of how I obtained my favorite boots.

Anyways, the point of the story was me risking a nasty bruise or scrape by venturing out into heavy snowfall in shoes without any form of tread. I do this more often than intelligent people would believe. Shockingly, I have only fallen once this winter season. I only almost fell today.

While boots and shoes do not make good comedy, knowing that you all just read this garbage does.

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Original Post: February 21st 2006

Did you just push me down the stairs?

This is a question I find myself asking nearly three times a day.

When did it become necessary to ask such an absurd question? Since March 9th, 2002, that’s when.

Did we forget so soon? A mistakenly released document that found it’s way in to every world news agency’s hands. It probably hasn’t slipped your mind. You probably just missed it. After all, we all sacrificed after 9/11. I personally skipped reading the news every day. Instead, focusing on obtaining a bigger, more visible flag than my neighbor.

Turns out, the US Government decided it would be a good time to refine the list of countries it would be willing to attack with nuclear weapons if opportunity knocked. Strike that, WHEN opportunity knocks. Somehow, must have been terrorism, this list of 7 countries started scrolling across the bottom of all American news channels. Of course, a story of this size would not deserve actual voice mention. However, it was worth putting next to sports scores. Luckily, most of this audience was smart enough to go online and research this further, to find out that of those 7 countries on the list, a few happen to be United States allies not enemies.

I guess, since nothing has happened yet, everything will work out. We should all just keep telling ourselves that.

Remember the 22nd amendment? It was pretty great huh? See it in 6 years.. (February 17th, 2005)

Seriously, they should put guns in our mouths, at least that would give us reason to be playing this dumb.

It appears as if I have lost my direction. Though, I am fairly certain that there was no direction when this story book started. Today we will direct all attempts at normality in the direction of increased cell phone usage by Americans in response to the rising fuel costs.

We will start this with an earth shattering series of nouns and adjectives mixed with a collection of verbs and punctuation.

It is apparent to most that cell phones are the only solution to this fuel crisis. While we can not afford to heat our homes, we can still talk for 2000 minutes every month while still paying one monthly fee. Trouble at the pumps? Did you know that call waiting, caller id, and voice mail is standard with almost every cell phone carrier in almost every package?

Cell phones! What can’t they do?

Original Post: February 20th 2006