It appears as if I have lost my direction. Though, I am fairly certain that there was no direction when this story book started. Today we will direct all attempts at normality in the direction of increased cell phone usage by Americans in response to the rising fuel costs.

We will start this with an earth shattering series of nouns and adjectives mixed with a collection of verbs and punctuation.

It is apparent to most that cell phones are the only solution to this fuel crisis. While we can not afford to heat our homes, we can still talk for 2000 minutes every month while still paying one monthly fee. Trouble at the pumps? Did you know that call waiting, caller id, and voice mail is standard with almost every cell phone carrier in almost every package?

Cell phones! What can’t they do?

Original Post: February 20th 2006

There was a point where I lived just three miles from an airport. This was a few months after 9/11 and the color coded daily terror alert level was consistently reminding me exactly how few minutes I had before certain death(it was usually seven). It was at this point that I declared my property line a No Fly Zone. While other Americans let their houses act as sitting ducks for an air attack, I prevented my house from being a target.

Surprisingly, I had not one breach during the entire 2 year No Fly Zone policy I had placed upon my property line. I will admit, there were some close calls. For instance, there was this one time where I was crossing the street to collect my mail, and wouldn’t you know it, a jet made a dash for my No Fly Zone. I ran to my battle station and fired some warning flares. Later, the pilot came to my house and apologized by sticking a gun in my mouth and telling me how tough I was at that very moment.

Everyone wins when we’re all scared for our lives

Original Post: February 18, 2006

Let me just put it in a manner you can understand:

If desk size means everything, and it does, I am better than all of you.

Seriously, my desk is 265 lbs. of the finest trees. It is not only in the shape of an L but I also detect trace elements of an a, h, o, and quite a few numbers.

Correct me if I am wrong, but am I not the greatest business man in the universe? It is all desk related. All of it.

Original Post: February 18th 2006

Back in my second year of playing professional baseball at the major league level, a fan was taunting me. I threw a baseball at his chest. Reasonable reaction? Yes.

Who am I?

Alright, it was me, and it wasn’t a fan it was my aunt. It wasn’t professional baseball, it was little league. Instead of her chest it was her face. Oh, and it might not have been a baseball, but instead a small child. No, it was definitely a baseball.

Did you ever go through a phase in your life where you spent most of your day trying to find a reason to use more math? This is the current phase I have found myself in. I imagine that it is based on this lack of education I am experiencing and a desire to keep my brain functioning. However, I have determined that it would be a more interesting self-diagnosis to assume that this is merely caused by lack of letters in my life and a need to fill that void.

There was going to be more to this but I have sincerely lost interest in writing about anything relevant to nothing. Tomorrow it is all about cookies and ice cream and phantom of the operas. Yeah I used an s. Was it by mistake? Perhaps

Original Post: February 17th 2006